I have had a rough couple of weeks with anxiety dogging my steps as I try and go about my work and socialise. I am feeling very fat at the moment there is a lot of self loathing swashing around in my head. I am feeling stressed and my self-confidence has taken a bit of a nosedive of late. I am skittish, I cannot settle, I have had trouble sleeping, I was worried I was on a bit of a slippery slope into full blown insomniac/head hamster mode. I have spent too much time at work procrastinating and just not buckling down to what I need to do. I’ve been seeing spiders that aren’t there and then having to deal with real ones. I’ve also but getting generally spooked by sounds and wound up by some small and not so small things. Basically my brain has been torturing me and I’m not sure why.
That said I have totally fought back. I’ve dealt with one spider. I’ve spoken to strangers and i’ve generally put a bit of a brave face on for many things and I’ve got through it, all whilst nagging doubts have been telling me how useless I am and that I will be found out. I am utterly exhausted, I lost the ability to can sensibly on Sunday evening and had a bit of a melt down because I’d travelled for most of the day and something that was small my head blew up out of proportion.
I went to Bristolcon on my own and I managed to talk to people, I did my own thing, met new people, didn’t completely embarrass myself and that feels like a great accomplishment. Though all I could think about on the way home was why hadn’t I done xyz?
Despite feeling wobbly I’ve knuckled down for vast swathes of the day and I’ve got a chunk of report sorted which had been playing the never ending list of things I’m going to suck at today. I’m looking forward to getting home and knitting to make the brain go shush for a bit. But I’ve got to fight back more robustly and I’ve been thinking of strategies to help distract the brain hamsters. I am calling it operation Be More Unicorn.
Why be more unicorn? Well this all stems from a t-shirt I have which has a dumpy little unicorn on the front. I identified. I bought it and I love wearing it because I feel like I’m making a statement about myself. In addition I’ve started using makeup as a line of defence, I can stick up a facade and present as normal whilst my brain goes in loops. But being more unicorn means adding some colour to my life, trying to be kinder to myself and trying to just be more fabulous in order to stave off the anxiety. I’ve got a few trinkets that I’ve bought to remind myself to be a bit more fabulous and embody the dumpy little unicorn and be fabulous.